I began to gain all of my weight around 2010 just after I had turned 22. At the time I was not in the best relationship for me, and I feel that truly without even noticing it, I was turning to food, A LOT. It was my emotional comfort, my escape, my mindless "zoning out" time, it was a bad habit that had begun without me seeing what was happening. So as I began to unknowingly turn to food in time of stress, I had gained 50lbs in one year, and another 60lbs-65lbs the next. And there I was; standing in the mirror, not recognizing myself, wondering what on earth had happened to me. I was always a gym rat, I loved working out, and sweating out all the thoughts of the day. My schedule for a while was waking up to have my oatmeal and letting it settle for 30-45 minutes, hitting the gym around 5:30 or 6:00 am, then back home to shower and prepare for my work day from 8:30 am- 5:00 pm at my very first sit down job I had ever had at a local call center in Medford Oregon. I really loved working out in the mornings prior to starting my day, it most likely helped me burn calories throughout the day as well as helped me greatly to stay on track with food throughout the day (I would have thoughts such as "I'm definitely not going to put that bad food in my mouth, the calories on this one item would totally wipe out all the hard work I did this morning to burn off only half of the calories that one bad food item has in it to consume! no way!). When I began working at age 16,I had worked at two hotels doing housekeeping at two different hotels in Crescent City California. At 17 I had moved into Oregon, and just a few months before my 18th birfday I moved from mountains of Lake of the Woods down into Medford about 3 days before my 18th birfday. In Medford, I had began to work at Subway, Bi Mart as a cashier and in a few departments, Roadhouse Grill, and housekeeping again prior to having my first call center sit down job. I had always prided myself on my body, always much slimmer than I have become yet always with a good thickness ratio. I've always seemed to attract lots of attention wherever I went without trying very much. It certainly was extremely difficult for me to go from such a slim strong body, to being overweight to a point that caused me severe depression at times, body image issues, bitterness, snoring while sleeping and breathing issues when walking up stairs or doing certain active things that used to be so easy for me. I got up to 280lbs at my highest weight, since then the lowest weight I've gotten down to being 245lbs, and have primarily stayed at 265lbs pretty consistently over the last several years. There have been inconsistent attempts throughout the past few years I've had of eating right, and working out, then somehow eventually not following through. At my most difficult times, I have been through binging and purging which was very hard on me. Developing such a severe eating issue was something I had never thought of, known much about, or ever fell into when I was younger. I had battled quite a bit inside my head about my over eating problem, pushing myself points where I would be so physically beyond a "full" point, I would nearly fetch up simply by moving through the motions of changing from my sitting position I was in while gorging myself to getting up off of the couch. There were many of evil things I grew to abuse myself with and shove in my face mentally on a daily basis, and before I knew it I was caught up in a very unhappy vicious circle, myself being the host of that cruelty.
In saying all that, despite all the moments of turmoil I've experienced in my life, there have also been a lot of incredible, wondrous moments that were very happy for me. Today, I can proudly stand on my two feet and have deep understanding and gratitude for all the universe has gifted to me, including those shadow experiences. These moments have helped shape me, changed my perspective, and has genuinely made me who I am today. Over the course of these years, I have come to understand that every single moment and experience I've had along the way I have subconsciously called to myself has been for growth, absorbing and advancing my soul, to be a great blessing. To any and all of you beautiful souls out there who struggle with depression, eating issues, or honestly anything within that realm, as it can be a big umbrella for many different things, I do highly recommend this book I began to read based off of a sister from the Goddess Temple of Ashland's suggestion.I currently have yet to finish reading this book, but so far it truly gets into the depths of the darker times, and helps TREMENDOUSLY to shed some light on what those shadow times actually are, and how to see the positivity and messages we may be not seeing that are trying to break through for us within those times. The book is called "Mysteries of the Dark Moon" by Demetra George.
Below I am going to post my "before" photos just a few months ago, but from here on out I intend to post photos here once per month to keep track of my progress and posting for you all to see! Over the Thanksgiving holiday I certainly have indulged in the season and have given myself some freedoms, but just before that Joshua and signed up with Planet Fitness, which I will also be so very happy to be posting each day I go to the gym and progress that way as well! After all the over indulging with food for the holiday, it has helped my perspective tremendously in realizing how excited I am to incorporate portion control, and what type of nourishment I am putting into my body. I feel it's incredibly important what you put into your body, as for what you get out of your life. For me, this is not only physical food, but also emotions you may be keeping trapped inside, thought patterns, moods, physical health, mental health. Our overall well being is so much more than just being "thin or over weight." So far I have made it to the gym for successful times of waking my muscles and body up to prepare for working out and strengthening more. Below are also my photos of successfully making it to the gym for Day 1 through Day 9 since my post is a little behind lol.
I also want to take just a sec to give THE BIGGEST shout out to my incredible partner for not giving up on me, for allowing me the opportunity to step up and gift to me the space and faith that I can work out without going through uncomfortable and angry attitudes halfway through our gym time, from deep disappointing moments of ego swings I used display unfortunately. You have been so patient, loving, and understanding of us having different paces and different struggles. I love you so deeply baby, and cannot thank you enough for the gift of time to get back to myself, as well as giving to me so much of your knowledge that I couldn't be more thankful for of fitness and life lessons.
Thank you SO much for all who have held space for and witnessed me through this post and all to come. Blessed be your journey, and thank you so very much for being here with me. Please don't hesitate to comment and share conversation, I'm so happy to help relate and help support and witness everyone in any way I can.
Much Love!!
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